So it’s over … or almost over! Now you’re wondering “are there any ways I could have saved my marriage”? Is there something that I could have done differently? Prevention is better than cure right? What I am about to share with you is not something that you have to be a relationship expert to understand. It is actually just plain commonsense really – but there are so many people who just don’t “get it”.
They say that it always takes two, to make or break a marriage. This is mostly true, but not always. The thing that can complicate relationships of any kind, is that perceptions are involved. It comes back to how each individual in the marriage thinks – how they interpret the other person’s behavior. If that interpretation is not in line with reality, or is twisted out of shape by past experiences, then it’s going to be much more difficult, no matter how hard one person tries. Let’s face it – we all have our breaking points – that time when we just give up and don’t try anymore.
If it’s always the other person’s fault; if their reactions to your behavior are where you think the real problem lies and you cannot accept responsibility for your own contribution to the situation, then you have bigger problems than the following advice can solve.
So if after reading this, you’re still interested in ways to save your marriage, then here are 20 suggestions by Gerald Rogers, a best-selling author, speaker, and relationship mentor.
20 Ways I Could Have Saved My Marriage
1. Never stop courting.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2. Protect Your Own Heart
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3. Fall in Love Over and Over and Over Again
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that, you have to re-choose each other every day. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in him/her
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love.
5. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HIM/HER
your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever-changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions
It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that, your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7. NEVER BLAME
Never blame your wife If you get frustrated or angry, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
8. Allow your Spouse to JUST BE
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9. BE SILLY…
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10. FILL HIS/HER SOUL EVERY DAY…
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority every day to make her feel loved.
11. BE PRESENT
Give her not only your time but your focus, your attention, and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY
Carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13. DON’T BE AN IDIOT….
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14. GIVE HER SPACE
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.)
15. BE VULNERABLE
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fear and feelings, and be quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is for a relationship that isn’t focused on growing. Find common goals, dreams, and visions to work towards.
18. DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage each of your strengths to win.
19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY
And focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end, MARRIAGE isn’t about “happily ever after”. It’s about work, a commitment to grow together, and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure forever. Through that work, happiness will come.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed to carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you’re a man reading this then this is your charge – commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
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