Relationship Advice Archives - Happy Relationship Secrets

Questions to ask your partner that could make or break your relationship

Want to help your relationship go the distance? According to one relationship expert, it’s all about asking the right questions.

TikToker Sabrina Flores has shared a series of videos all about the different ‘healthy relationship checkpoints’ couples should engage with.

These checkpoints take the shape of questions and conversation starters all designed to help you and your partner connect more effectively, and learn important things about how you each see the world.

In one clip, Sabrina, a social media coordinator at relationship wellness app Agapé, suggests some questions:

‘What area of your relationship can you foresee becoming a potential conflict in the future and why? After sharing compassionately, reflect on a couple of things you can do to prevent it from escalating to that point.’

She adds: ‘So many relationships wait until something is explosive until they address it and start working on it. And that’s why they broke up.

‘Don’t be one of those couples.’

In part two of her series, she suggests another question: ‘What aspects or parts of your personality are currently causing any friction in your relationship?’

A tricky one – but don’t even think about being diplomatic, as Sabrina says you can’t answer, ‘nothing’.

Why? ‘Because I know there’s going to be at least one thing for each of you,’ she says.

And it works both ways: ‘Are there any behaviors that you do that are causing friction in your relationship?’ she says.

‘Call yourself out, hold yourself accountable, and work on it before it leads to bigger problems.’

sabrina flores relationship coach — Sabrina Flores

Her questions are provided by the app she works on, which generates a conversation starter each day, with a view to stopping relationship problems before they start.

In part three, in which she recommends asking your partner ‘when, if ever, is it OK to lie?’, Sabrina clarifies: ‘A disclaimer first – you’re probably going to have different answers to this question and that’s OK.

‘The goal is not to start an argument right now, the goal is to see where you guys differ and come to a compromise, so later on it doesn’t become a bigger issue.’

How to Stop Adult Children Ruining Your New Relationship

Friction between adult children and a new romantic partner can do a lot of damage. Here’s how to make sure it doesn’t.

Why isn’t my child happy for me?

It’s a question often asked by parents who find love with a new partner in later life. Friction stemming from the couple’s adult children—his, hers, or both—has been a continuous thread in my years of research studying family and romantic relationships among older adults.

Most therapists say that when newly formed older couples come to them for help, it is usually because they are having trouble with their adult children on at least one side. And in the worst cases, hostile children can become a destructive force.

None of this is surprising. Parent-child relationships are primal, complex, and steeped in histories that long predate late-blooming romances. In the luckiest cases, the kids will instantly like and welcome a new partner. But many can feel ambivalent, suspicious, or even angry about a parent’s new partner.

What follows are seven guidelines that can help later-life couples, and their families, achieve the best possible outcome.

1. Dispel your children’s anxieties about losing an inheritance

Maybe you think what you plan to do with your money is none of your kids’ business. But you can bet they care. And you can remove one source of potential friction between your kids and your new love by documenting your intentions and letting everyone know.

Signing a prenuptial or postnup agreement can ensure that your children get your assets, says Tammy A. Weber, an elder-law lawyer at Marshall, Parker & Weber in Williamsport, Pa. Another option is creating an irrevocable trust with your children as trustees. Whatever you decide, have a meeting with your attorney, accountant, children, and new partner, where you lay it all out and address everyone’s concerns.

2. Limit your expectations about “blending”

Start with this premise: We’re all adults. The “kids,” whether 20 or 50, have had mothers and fathers. They now have their own lives. Your dream of being paternal or maternal to the stepchildren? It could happen, but it isn’t likely.

Are you sad because your children don’t see how great your new partner is? Maybe they will see with time. Maybe not. What matters is that you and your partner each see how wonderful the other is.

Go slow with your stepchildren. Be friendly, but make no assumptions. Eventually, a relationship might evolve. As one 79-year-old widow told me, “I didn’t expect his kids to love me or even like me. Later his daughter said, ‘You didn’t push, and I got to know you over time and get comfortable with you.’ ”

3. Whatever your children’s ages, listen to their feelings

A 60-year old man feels crushed when his 85-year-old dad skips Christmas dinner to take his girlfriend to Paris. Ridiculous? Not really. A son is a son forever. You are a parent forever. Do not take the attitude: You’re a grown-up; get over it.

Understand that bringing in a new love will change things for your children, and change often means loss. Encourage them to say what they feel, what they fear. If they speak of jealousy or feeling sidelined, try to empathize. Tell them you’ll spend time alone with them, then make it happen. And speak to them adult-to-adult about your need for love and companionship.

4. Talk through the conflicts that can arise from divided loyalties

You want to please both your mate and your child, but that’s often not possible. The conflict can be minor: being forced to choose between babysitting for your daughter or having an intimate dinner with your mate. Explain to each how you feel. Live with a little discomfort.

Bigger conflicts can blow up your relationships. Psychologist Patricia L. Papernow, author of “Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships,” describes a typical dispute. A dad and his daughter are close; they visit each other’s houses and Dad has fun with the grandchildren. Then Dad falls in love and marries a woman he adores. His wife feels excluded by his tight bond with his daughter. She tells him, “You have to get your daughter to accept us: I don’t want you to go there without me.”

Everyone feels terrible. The daughter feels a stranger is taking her dad away. The wife feels hurt and left out. The dad feels ripped apart; he loves his wife and his daughter and grandchildren. Dr. Papernow says that she advises each to help the other understand how they feel. “I say ‘both/and,’ not ‘either/or,’” she says. “Dad needs to get how hard it is to be left out and to offer his wife care and support,” Dr. Papernow says. “But Dad also needs to say, ‘I can’t fix this by cutting off my daughter. I love you both.’ ”

With his daughter, Dad must empathize. Dr. Papernow suggests saying, “I know this is a big change for you and sharing is hard. I will make one-to-one time with you, but I love my wife, and you need to be at least polite to her when we’re together.”

5. When your child treats your mate badly, it is you who must address it

If your child ignores your requests to be civil to your mate, you can be pretty sure that that rudeness is rooted in your relationship with the child, says Ellen Berman, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. (For instance: Does the child blame you for the divorce?) The answer is to talk things through with your child—either alone or with a therapist.

If you’re being mistreated by your partner’s children, Dr. Berman suggests first examining your own behavior. Were you being inappropriately parental, for example, by asking intrusive questions or giving unsolicited advice? It’s imperative to relate to grown stepchildren adult to adult. If nothing changes, limit your contact with this child. You don’t have to attend every family event.

6. Talk to your mate delicately about his or her parenting—if at all

Parent-child relationships are very hard to change. Even if your partner complains about her son, she loves him. Your criticizing him will hurt her. If you feel you must say something, speak gently about what he or she is doing. Avoid describing their behavior in pejorative terms. Don’t say “You’re enmeshed with your daughter,” or “You’re coddling your son.”

“Parents always want more love and understanding for their kids,” Dr. Papernow says. Try to hear each other, she says, but remember: “The stepparent has input; the parent has the final say.”

7. Look to your partner’s strengths to help with a struggling or estranged child

If you are estranged from a child or feel unable to help a child who is struggling, you might find in your partner both the compassion and emotional skills to help. Sue Kolod, a psychoanalyst in New York City, has counseled two men whose new wives helped them mend their relationships with their daughters. “In both cases, the new wife reached out and formed a relationship with a daughter,” Dr. Kolod says, “and helped repair the father-daughter relationship.”

New mates can bring a fresh perspective. I spoke with one woman who helped guide her addict stepson toward recovery and helped her distraught husband understand the process. Her experiences with her father’s alcoholism had given her the insight and patience to help both father and son through that long struggle.

If you follow these guidelines, family relationships may evolve into warm ties. If that’s not possible, at least you can reduce conflict to protect and cherish your later-life love.

adult children and new relationships

The Biggest Money Problems Affecting Couples

By Victoria Devine

Fusing finance and relationships can be tricky – unless you’re completely aligned on every single purchase, chances are you and your partner will have money disagreements from time to time. As a financial adviser, I’ve seen hundreds of couples over the years and there are certain issues I see plaguing relationships again and again and sometimes these issues can become too much and lead to a break-up.

To help you avoid that fate, I’ve thrown together the most common issues I see when it comes to money and relationships, so you can address any potential problems when they’re in their infancy instead of when they reach the point of no return.

money problems couples

A difference in goals

This is an issue I see impacting young couples in particular; excitedly, they make the decision to combine their finances for the first time because they’ve moved in together, but a few months down the line they realize they have very different spending habits like one loves to splurge while the other prefers to save.

This isn’t a problem if you combine some of your finances (establishing a joint account for bills/groceries/rent) but it can be an issue if you make the decision to combine every cent from the get-go.

To avoid resentment of your partner’s spending or scrimping habits, have the conversation early on about what each of your money goals are, what you’re working towards, and create a budget that will help you reach your combined goals. If your goals are misaligned and one of you wants to travel the world while the other wants to save for a house deposit, you need to seriously ask yourself whether you’re willing to compromise or if this relationship is right for you.

Hidden debt

Debt is something that can often carry an immense feeling of shame. People in debt tend to consider themselves as failures for falling into an unhealthy financial spot and so they may hide it from their partner not out of malice, but because they’re embarrassed. Unfortunately, the only way we can work our way out of significant amounts of debt is by pulling our head out of the sand and facing it – we need to know what we’re working with and develop a strategy to pay this debt down. If you and your partner share finances, then it’s really important that you be upfront with them as soon as possible because it’s their money too, and they have a right to know what is going on.

It sounds daunting, I know, but the longer you hide this debt away the larger it will become and the worse you will feel about it, so I really encourage you to be open and honest – I promise you will feel relieved as soon as you do.

Not allowing for financial independence

Micromanaging is a major mood kill and it’s important to remember that while we should strive to be smart with our money so we can set ourselves up for financial freedom, we also need to enjoy our lives and have fun with our money along the way. I often see couples in distress because they haven’t managed to let go of having complete financial control, and I get that – if you’ve worked really hard for your money it’s understandable that you’d want to make sure you’re not wasting it.

However, when you’ve made the decision to fuse finances, we need to adjust our thinking from “it’s my money” to “it’s our money” and give each other the space to spend without the suffocating feeling that someone is watching over our shoulder and monitoring every cent. If you feel like your partner is spending too much while you’re exerting extreme spending discipline, don’t be afraid to bring it up with them kindly, remind them of your joint goals and just keep that line of communication open!

But please note, if your partner is stepping over the line by restricting your access to your bank accounts and monitoring how you spend every cent, then this is edging into financially abusive territory and if you are in this position, then I’d urge you to get in touch with a reputable counseling and support service.

About Victoria

Victoria Devine is an award-winning financial adviser and founder of the podcast, She’s on the Money. Her new book She’s on the Money (published by Penguin Random House) is touted as “the ultimate millennial money guide”.

New Relationship Advice for Couples

Now that you’re in a new relationship, you may be thinking that some new relationship advice might be helpful. It can be hard to know what your relationship is going to be like when you are still new in it, but there are some things that are really worth knowing. A new relationship is a whole new world, where some rules don’t apply. Here are some important things to remember if you want the optimism that you feel about your new relationship to last.

Take Your Time Getting to Know Each Other

Relationships take time to adjust to. Take your time, relax, and start off slowly. Get to know each other. Fall in love slowly. Don’t rush things. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself and end up behaving in a way that reveals that you’re too desperate or find out that the relationship “deal” is not what you thought it was going to be. Your feelings are new and you need to enjoy them without making yourself too emotionally vulnerable.

So the best new relationship advice for couples is to take it easy. If you are smart then you’ll wait until things settle down and you’re not feeling any pressure from the other person. Trust yourself and take your time, especially if there is any tension between the two of you, and your intuition is throwing up red flags. Also, don’t be in their face too much if you are trying to make a connection with someone you met online or through email.

When you first get into a relationship, try not to “go public” too quickly. Don’t be in a hurry to tell everyone about your relationship just because you have been together for a while.

Don’t do it for the wrong reasons, such as making your ex jealous or trying to get your ex back, because they may find someone else sooner and in the meantime, you’re going to potentially hurt someone else.

Be Realistic About Expectations

Be realistic about your expectations in a relationship. You can’t expect to get a relationship going and then expect that this person will be your soul mate in a week or so – maybe not even after a month or two. Expectations must be realistic but don’t push them too far because or demand too much, too soon. That might make you look desperate or even narcissistic.

So new relationship advice for couples is to not try to expect a deep connection and level of commitment too fast. Don’t force things on a relationship, or get too involved in a relationship to make it progress too quickly. Unfortunately, many movies and romantic stories have conditioned us to expect the fairytale – the ‘love at first sight’, the ‘happily ever after’, the ‘knight in shining armor rescuing fair maiden’. If you have unrealistic expectations early on, both people may get hurt.

Pay Attention to Your New Partner

New relationship advice for a newbie is also for you to listen carefully to what your partner is saying. Be receptive and listen to what they are saying because they might be able to present a perspective that you haven’t thought of, and you can learn something yourself. So be receptive and you may even learn something. Demonstrate your interest in them by being attentive and open to the things which make them feel valued and loved.

Avoid Doing This if it’s a Returning “Ex”

New relationship advice for couples who are “giving it another go” is for you to avoid talking about your ex with other people unless you really need to talk about it. This is because you don’t want to hurt their feelings and make them want to leave the relationship again.

Be Patient – It’s Worth It

New relationship advice for couples is for you to be patient when it comes to making the most of a relationship and to not get too involved, too quickly. Sometimes relationships last longer than you think and things can get complicated and confusing when you are trying to figure out how to handle the relationship.

Take Care of Yourself

More new relationship advice for couples – make a commitment to yourselves as individuals. Take care of yourself and be strong and confident, believing in your own value as a person and in what you have to offer your partner. Being strong and confident is key in a new relationship because not only can you learn a lot about yourself in any situation that presents, but it will also help you avoid dysfunctional and destructive behaviors.

Trust yourself and your own gift of intuition, but do so without being paranoid or neurotic. This can help you to not over commit to someone. Even if you think you can make a relationship work, you may not and you don’t want to get involved in one if you feel that you have failed.

Finally . . . let yourself have some fun with your new relationship. Enjoy it and do fun things together with your new partner. Make plans together that include one another in your lives, doing couple-like things, experiencing new adventures, because that is how you build good memories and over time, a stronger relationship.

new relationship advice for couples

Relationships and Improving Personal Life

How to improve your personal life and relationship

When you are trying to improve your relationship, this can be hard to do if you are not strong enough to do it. Some of the bad things that make a relationship go wrong are because you do not trust your mate. Perhaps you have a good reason not to trust your mate but you have to forget and forgive, which can be hard to do. However, it will not get any easier for you if you do not work on the problem.

It s not all your fault or your mate’s fault, since involvement is a 50-50 relationship. It takes two to make it work and not only one can do it so you both have to be in agreement to work on your relationship together, otherwise, you’re wasting life.

What are some of the things that we can do to make it better?

When trying to make a bad relationship work it can be hard to do at times. There are times when it cannot be saved at all. There has to be a good communication channel between both of you in order to even try to get along. You have to sit down and find the real reason why and where you went wrong.

Try to figure something out to make it better. If you cannot communicate then you won’t be able to work out your relationship. Failure to communicate is the leading reason why businesses, relationships, and self-improvement falters.

Some of the things you might want to do are take time for you and your mate. Try taking a walk together and talk about the weather or other topics that reduces stress. You want to avoid stressful subjects until you are ready to discuss your problems calmly.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is calling shots while emotions are soaring. This leads to a yelling match and no one wins.

If you learn to communicate without biting back, you will learn to relax and control your emotions. Perhaps after you spend time together talking casually, you may feel in the mood to enjoy a romantic night together. If you have children, perhaps are family member or friend can watch the children while you and your mate go to a hotel for a romantic night.

How can one person improve a relationship?

It’s hard for one person to make changes by themself. It takes two to make a relationship grow and it has to take two to make it work. Nothing is easy. Still, it has been done and if you are strong enough you can make it through anything. You and your mate have been through some hard times. The deal is you have to improve your personal life.

You cannot change anyone and for this reason, the weight is on your shoulders to make your life better. Once you improve your own life, your mate may take an interest and start to improve his or her personal life. It is proven that good conduct speaks louder than any words.

How do I improve my personal life?

Improving your life takes action. The first thing you want to do is to sit down, make a list, plan, and set goals to change. DO not bully yourself. Instead of looking at all the bad, look at the good since thinking positive is the key to success.

Once you set your goals start taking action to improve your personal life. Again, your mate may take interest and he/she too will join you in improving your lives together.

How Often Do Men Need to Have Sex?

Recently, a question was asked of a notable Marriage, Sex and Relationships Researcher, about how often do men need to have sex? What follows, is her very insightful answer . . . .

The Question

You’re the researcher, so please tell me the real answer: How often do guys need to have sex? I just don’t think about sex much; I guess it isn’t a need for me. But my husband says he thinks about it all the time, and he gets crabby that I’m often too tired. Even though I can go weeks or months and not miss it, since he can’t, I try to do the right thing. But oddly, even though he says he’s “deprived”, when I tell him “okay” that just makes him mad. He says he wants me to want it like he does. I feel like I can’t win. But if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan on that, and hopefully that would help.

— Not Feeling Frisky

The Answer

Dear Not Feeling Frisky,

How would you feel if you told your husband, “I need to hear you say ‘I love you’,” and he heaved a big sigh and said, “Okay, I’ll try to say it. But how often do you need to hear it? Is once a week okay? Whatever it is, tell me, and I’ll plan on that.”

My guess is, you’d be really hurt. You’d be thinking, He supposedly loves me, but he has to force himself to dredge up the willpower to show me love? Maybe he doesn’t really love me like he says he does.

You wouldn’t be hurt because he didn’t say “I love you” enough times. You’d be hurt because of what it implied. Maybe it means he doesn’t care about you. Maybe, you might think, it means you really aren’t even all that lovable.

Sex works the exact same way for most men. In the research, there seems to be no one standard amount of sex that men “need” to have; it is what sex signals to them that is important. Your sexual actions signal: I desire you; You are desirable; I want to be with you in that way; You make me feel amazing; I want to show you how much I care about you; and on and on.

We women think of sex as being primarily a physical need for a man: but it isn’t. One of a man’s deepest emotional needs is to feel that his wife desires him. And if he sees that his wife desires him, it gives him a sense of well-being in all the other areas of his life. But if she shows <big sigh> “Okay, fine, let’s get this over with,” then it is clear to him that she doesn’t desire him, he’s no good at trying to make her feel amazing, he must be completely undesirable… and that she doesn’t really care about him the way she says she does.

In the research with men and women, it was very clear that most women (although certainly not all) simply have a different type of desire than men. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”) We need to be approached differently. Most women simply don’t think about sex as often as men do.

But let’s look at that “I love you” parallel for a moment. The research was just as clear that men love their wives but simply don’t think about saying words of love as often as a woman might want, either. Yet we rightly expect that men be purposeful about developing new habits of showing love. We rightly expect them to learn how to do that, and do it enthusiastically (rather than under compulsion), because it is so emotionally important to us as women.

The same thing can be said of sex. Now, yes, there are sometimes physical or emotional things that get in the way, and if that is true of you, please seek out professional help to address those issues. But for many women, we just don’t realize how important it is to be purposeful about developing new habits of showing our husbands love in this way; of learning how to do it, and doing it enthusiastically because it is so emotionally important to our men.

Some women who just don’t think about sex and risk being too tired for it, have learned that one great solution is to schedule sex dates. One woman I interviewed said that no matter what else was going on in their lives, and no matter what other times they might have sex, she and her husband always made time for intimacy on Sunday nights. Although it didn’t fit the Hollywood ideal of tumbling into bed spontaneously, she discovered that in the real world, this was something that “got her thinking about it,” and she came to truly love that time together. And so did her husband!

Although the average appears to be a few times a week, there is no one “right amount” of sex that men need. Instead, the one constant is his emotional need to feel that you desire him. Find ways to show that, and you’ll probably see more love coming from him to you, too!

Grateful acknowledgements to Shaunti Feldhaun, relationships researcher.

Why Maintenance Sex Is So Important in Happy Relationships

Maintenance sex may not sound like the most exciting thing to think about, but according to sex educator and writer, Gigi Engle, it is crucial to the health of your relationship.

When we say “maintenance sex”, we mean having sex just for the sake of having it, even if you don’t feel like doing it. It means keeping the sex up to ensure that both people in the relationship are sexually satisfied.

Sometimes your partner wants to get it on and all you want to do is catch up on your favorite TV program. Sex sounds time-consuming and annoying. Or maybe when you really want to have sex, your partner always seems to be too tired or stressed.

In long-term relationships, it’s important to have sex even if you’re not necessarily randy. Maintenance sex shouldn’t be the only kind of sex you’re having, but it should absolutely be on the menu.

There will always be two different sex drives in a relationship

There will inevitably be times in a relationship when one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t. It’s rare for two people to have matching sex drives. It happens occasionally, but to expect that your partner will always want the exact amount of sex as you do is not particularly practical.

In order to make up for the difference, compromises needs to be made. The partner with the higher libido must have realistic expectations, while the partner with the lower libido needs to do the same. This is where maintenance sex comes into play.

We’re fed this idea that we should only have sex when we’re “in the mood.” This is how unfulfilled, sexless marriages happen. One partner isn’t “in the mood” and doesn’t think he or she needs to be, and therefore the partner with the higher libido feels ashamed for wanting sex. This leaves one partner feeling hounded for sex all the time and the other pathetic for wanting it—not a healthy relationship.

You Won’t Regret Having It

Maintenance sex is designed to keep both partners content. When you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, you won’t regret putting in the extra effort to have sex. If your partner really wants you and you just go for it, you’ll feel better afterward.

Obviously, if this is the only way you’re having sex, there is a problem. If you feel fully sexually unsatisfied or are experiencing an unusually prolonged dip in libido, that is a separate issue and you should address it with your therapist or healthcare provider.

Sex is like going to the gym: You don’t want to do it before, but once you suck it up and hit the elliptical, you feel amazing afterward.

In relationships, you need to show up for your partner. This goes back to that “shame” thing; we think if one person doesn’t want to have sex, we shouldn’t have sex.

Sometimes you need to show up for your partner and be engaged. If you need your partner to make you feel desired, he or she should be willing to do that for you. Sex is a principal part of happy relationships.

Both partners need to be willing to show up for each other and put in the effort. Everyone in a relationship deserves to feel sexy, safe, and happy. Have sex and make a commitment to keep having sex through all of life’s changes, ups, and downs.

Having Sex Breeds Intimacy

Sex breeds intimacy. Orgasms release oxytocin, the feel-good bonding hormone in your body. Sex helps you feel closer to your partner. It is the most intimate physical act you and your partner can experience.

Without it, it’s easy to lose sight of your connection. Relationships and a healthy sex life take constant work. You have to check in with each other and take the temperature of your relationship on a regular basis.

Having sex, feeling your partner on top of you, the scent of his or her skin brings you back into that loving mindset. Don’t skip out on it just because you’re tired from work and would rather watch television.

Having maintenance sex will remind both of you what you mean to each other. Always take an opportunity to work sex into your schedule. The more you have it, the happier you’ll be.

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5 Things Every Relationship Needs If You Want it To Last

Does your relationship have the essential things every relationship needs? It is becoming harder and harder to find a real relationship that is based on more than just physical attraction and personality, these days? Yes, physical attraction and intimacy is an important factor in a relationship, but there has to be more than this if you want it to last.

Here’s the good news! There are other factors that make up a strong lasting relationship.

I like to think there are 5 areas in a relationship. All 5 of these categories must be strong in order to have a real relationship. Each of these factors brings a different view on the relationship and its strength. Keep these in mind when evaluating your current relationship or when you are thinking about new relationships in the future.

These factors could mean the difference between a short-term fling, and a long-term marriage.

1. Personality Compatibility (Chemistry)

Personality is different to “character” because it is more superficial. It’s a combination of all those little things that make up the way a person naturally behaves – like how they speak, how their mind works, whether they have a sense of humor that interacts well with yours (if you have one), whether they’re shy or outgoing, disciplined and driven or laid back and easy going, realist or a bit of a dreamer … that sort of thing.

Character is about values and attitudes – the deeper things. But right now, we’re talking about personality chemistry.

Personalities should complement each other in a healthy relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to date someone just like you. Certain personality types work well with opposites too – in fact, some people find a person annoying at first but then feel drawn to them as they get to know them better.

Whichever of the above applies to you, one thing is certain. By the time that you’re in a relationship, it should be with someone whose personality works well with yours. Try working out any kinks at the beginning of the relationship if possible, but remember you shouldn’t have to change the person you’re dating on a fundamental level in order to be happy.

The more you try to change someone as a person, the more they will begin to resent you. Find someone you naturally work well with and a happy relationship will follow.

2. Communication and Connection

Communication is something that has to be cultivated. It’s the foundation of every great relationship. You can’t and won’t know what your partner needs wants and/or expects out of the relationship without it. If you’re looking for a new relationship, make sure that it’s with someone whose communication style is similar to your own; someone you feel a connection with; someone who “gets you” and if it’s important to you, then with whom, (if you’re this kind of person – not everyone is) you feel that you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings.

When you are in a relationship, you are a team. As a team, you have to make sure you are providing for each other and making sure you consider and fulfill each other’s needs.

3. Friendship and Respect

Marry your best friend. Actually, start by dating your best friend. Start your relationship on a solid foundation.

You should be able to laugh together, cry together, and be there for each other during the good times and the bad. A good relationship means telling your partner all of your secrets, asking their opinions, and making them a priority in your life.

A best friend is someone you want in your life forever and always; when your partner is your best friend, you’ll do whatever it takes to make your relationship last.

For someone to feel like your best friend, they will need to have similar values and attitudes to yourself – in other words, character compatibility. You will both be walking in the same direction and the things that are important to each of you will be similar. You will also have the same ideas about where your relationship fits into each others’ priorities in life.

4. Trust

Have trust in your partner. I know you have probably been hurt in the past by others, but the person you’re dating or married to now is not the same person as your ex.

If your partner has done something to discredit themselves, should they really be with you? Be with someone you can trust completely. You will, of course, need to ensure that any “trust issues” are not little ‘demons’ that reside within yourself. Be careful that your own insecurities are not projected onto your significant other. When it comes to trust, be realistic.

Relationships should be a source of comfort and respite. When you don’t trust the person you’re dating, that insecurity spreads throughout your entire life. No trust = no relationship.

5. Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy that includes a sexual component isn’t the most important thing but that doesn’t mean that sex isn’t important. Great sex improves moods and releases stress. It also creates an emotional bonding effect when it is regular and with only one person.

Having great sex will strengthen your relationship with your significant other, but remember that it isn’t everything. Find other alternatives to improve moods and release stress to keep each other happy.

But if you aren’t against having sex, then you know what to do to improve your relationship.

Of course, not all relationships are the same, but these five tenets will absolutely keep the average relationship happy and healthy!

If more people were educated in these areas, then there would be more healthy, happy, and meaningful relationships that last past just a few months. There would be far fewer divorce cases and confused unhappy people with broken hearts.

10 Relationship Facts I Wish I Knew Sooner

Here are 10 important relationship facts which, if you understand and practice them, give you a much greater chance of securing a long-term happy and fulfilling relationship instead of it become just another “experience”.

Contrary to what you’ll see in movies, relationships take work. We’re not talking “hard work” due to incompatibility issues or fundamental differences in important values – but making your partner feel valued so that he or she wants to stay with you and deepens their commitment to you, does require effort.

Studies have shown that intimate relationships between best friends are one of the surest ways to ensure that it’s likely to last. The honeymoon phases with its “high levels of passionate love” and “intense feelings of attraction and ecstasy, as well as an idealization of one’s partner”, don’t last forever, according to Monmouth University psychologist Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.

There must be something more going on – and at the end of the day, being “best friends” first just might be the key.

Relationship Facts that Everyone Should Know

1. If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not taking enough risks.

“Making mistakes” doesn’t mean cheating. What it does mean is, doing things within the boundaries of the relationship with good intentions but if it turns out that they were not healthy, you take responsibility for them. Without mistakes, there is no growth. So this process simulates change and growth. The bonding comes from taking risks and making mistakes as a couple, then learning from them and becoming stronger as a team.

2. Expect anything worthwhile to take a long time.

Many believe relationships should just come naturally, like the rush of dopamine that shot into your brain when you both first met. Actually, to be in a monogamous relationship where you are constantly challenged to look at yourself and compromise your wants/needs is unnatural. It goes against our natural human instincts. In order for us to adapt and embrace this, it takes time – a long time. If you’re patient, then with the passing of time you will both adapt to each other so that ultimately, by sheer force of habit, it will feel more “natural”.

3. Work very, very hard.

Nothing of value comes easy! There are some people who understand this principle when it comes to achieving financial security and success but for some reason, somehow imagine that all the happiness and fulfillment of a great relationship will just “come to them” like winning the lottery.

There are those who are very proactive at investing time and energy into the relationship while “the chase” is on, or even into the early stages, but once they feel secure with their partner, imagine that they can take them for granted – and yet – still hold him or her accountable to them for exclusivity and faithfulness. Nobody wants to be someone’s prisoner.

I think many underestimate how much work it takes to make a relationship successful. Referring to the heading again, most tune out after the first “very”. So what does “very very” hard work look like? It’s different for everyone. But you will know because of that giant mountain you see in front of you, the one you’ve always avoided climbing. The second “very” means self-examination.

4. Ask for opportunities.

Since we think we know our partner so well, we stop asking. Instead, we assume. The thing is, people change. If you want something, ask for it. Their answer may be different today than it would have been yesterday. If you don’t ask, you’ll never receive. It’s a basic rule of life. And it also applies in relationships. I believe this process of asking/communicating creates opportunities to get to know each other better.

5. Finish what you start.

I’m referring to arguments. Many start an argument but don’t finish it because it gets too heated. They walk away and never come back to it. Issues don’t get resolved. Instead, people are not heard and there’s anger and resentment. If you walk away from a fight without consent or getting things resolved, you’re leaving the relationship for that period. One day, there will be no one to come back to.

6. Say yes to almost everything.

Assuming it’s healthy and the intent is good, what’s the worst that could happen? You get out pushed out of your comfort zone? That’s called an opportunity for growth. I think we say no too much in relationships. We don’t like feeling uncomfortable. If you want more yes’s in your life, this is where to start.

7. Busy is a decision.

Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean it’s time to stop life. Each should have their own life. This means making a choice to be busy and working on your own container. I think many get into a relationship and stop or slow down their own personal busyness.

8. Don’t censor your dreams before you actually dream.

Whatever dreams you had when you were single shouldn’t change because you are now in a relationship, unless it happens organically and honestly. Many give up their dreams because the relationship doesn’t allow them. Your dreams can change but don’t censor your dreams for anyone.

9. In order to strive for a remarkable life, you have to decide that you want one.

I think the key word there is “you”, not “you guys”. I think many lose themselves in their relationship because they forget about their own wants, needs, and paths. Remarkable can still happen when you’re in a committed relationship. But you have to decide you want remarkable and you’re not willing to negotiate that.

10. It is only a failure if you accept defeat.

We should fight for our relationship. Always. Not in our relationship, for our relationship. There’s you. There’s your partner. Then there’s the relationship. If you accept defeat, you are not fighting for the relationship. Admitting that you are wrong is not accepting defeat. Admitting that you are wrong is actually fighting for the relationship.

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Six Broad Love and Relationship Types, Say Psychologists

According to the ancient Greeks, there were six broad love and relationship categories. Read through them and see if you can identify which, if any, of these ways of loving is your own. Each comes with its own driving force as well as its outcomes.

LOVE is a complex and powerful force, one that plays out in a number of emotional, cognitive, and social ways.

When we love a person, we feel emotional arousal in their presence. We will also have a set of thoughts (or cognitions) about that person, and our previous experiences can shape our ideas about what we expect in our relationships. For example, if you believe in love at first sight, then you are more likely to experience it.

But we use love in many different contexts. You might say that you love your partner, or your family, or your best friend, your job, or even your car. Clearly, you’re using the term in different ways that highlight the various dimensions of love.

The ancient Greeks described several different types of love and relationship styles. Following the Greeks, the sociologist and activist John Alan Lee suggested that there are six broad styles of love.

It is good to keep in mind that although these love styles can be thought of as “types”, we are not necessarily locked into only one. We might have a predominant love style, but we will also have some elements of the other styles.

Similarly, our love style might change over time based on our experiences and interactions with our partners.

**1. Eros Love – I’m Crazy About You!**

This style is typically experienced as romantic, fairytale-type love. Physical beauty is important to this love style. Attraction is intense and immediate (“head over heels”), and the Eros lover feels an urgent drive to deepen the relationship emotionally and physically.

Because these individuals love the feeling of being in love, they tend to be serial monogamists, staying in a relationship as long as it feels fresh and compelling, then moving on so they can experience those same feelings again with someone new.

2. Storge Love and Relationship Traits

Storgic types tend to be stable and committed in their relationships.

They value companionship, psychological closeness, and trust. For these individuals, love relationships can sometimes grow out of friendships, so that love sneaks up on the pair.

This love style is enduring, and these individuals are in it for the long haul.

3. Ludus – The Game Players

People with a ludic style view love as a game that they are playing to win. Often this can be a multiplayer game!

Ludic individuals are comfortable with deception and manipulation in their relationships. They tend to be low on commitment and are often emotionally distant.

Because ludic individuals are more focused on the short term, they tend to place greater importance on the physical characteristics of their mate than do the other love styles. They are also more likely to engage in sexual hookups.

4. Pragma Love – I’ve Made My List

Practicality rules for this type. Logic is used to determine compatibility and future prospects.

This doesn’t mean that these individuals use an emotionless, Spock-like approach to their relationships, rather they place high importance on whether a potential mate will be suited to meeting their needs.

These needs might be social or financial.

Pragmatists might wonder if their prospective partner would be accepted by family and friends, or whether they’re good with money.

They might also evaluate their emotional assets; for example, does a would-be partner have the skills to be calm in times of stress?

5. Mania Love and the Insecure Relationship

This refers to an obsessive love style. These individuals tend to be emotionally dependent and to need fairly constant reassurance in a relationship.

Someone with this love style is likely to experience peaks of joy and troughs of sorrow, depending on the extent to which their partner can accommodate their needs.

Because of the possessiveness associated with this style, jealousy can be an issue for these individuals.

6. Agape – The Unconditional, Kind Hearted Love and Relationship

Agapic individuals are giving and caring, and are centered on their partner’s needs. This is largely a selfless and unconditional love. An agapic partner will love you just as you are.

But they will also be particularly appreciative of acts of care and kindness that they receive back from their partner.

Perhaps because these individuals are so accepting, they tend to have very high levels of relationship satisfaction.

The Truth About Love and Relationships

The kind of love that we feel towards our significant other is likely to change over time. At the start of a relationship, we feel anticipation about seeing our partner and we are excited every time we see them.

These are the heady feelings we associate with being in love and are very characteristic of romantic love. But in almost all relationships, these intense emotions are not sustainable and will fade over months to a couple of years.

Those passionate feelings will then be replaced by deeper connections as the people in the partnership grow to truly know each other. This stage is “companionate love” and can last a lifetime (or beyond).

Unfortunately, many people do not realize that the evolution from romantic love to a companionate love and relationship style is a normal – and indeed healthy – transition. Because the ardent feelings of adoration subside, sometimes people will think that they have fallen out of love, when in fact the intimacy and closeness of companionate love can be extremely powerful, if only given the chance.

This is a shame, as these individuals might never experience the life satisfaction that is associated with companionate love.

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