Bad Relationships And Problems Archives - Happy Relationship Secrets

How to Break Up With a Sociopathic Narcissist

Before we go any further, we need to define our terms.

There is a difference between a sociopath and a narcissist. A sociopath is basically someone who lacks the capacity to empathize with other human beings. In certain situations, we actually need these types of persons. For example, if you’re experiencing a home invasion, the last person you need to call for help is an empath.

A sociopath, on the other hand, won’t be concerned whether the criminal’s family will miss them, or how they will feel when they’re about to die. They will take them out, if necessary, without any feelings of remorse. It’s simply a job that has to be done – and they do it very efficiently.

It has been estimated that 80 percent of Navy Seals, are sociopaths. They actually become quite calm during crisis situations – and that’s precisely what you need when, for example, you’re breaking into Osama Bin Laden’s compound in order to exact revenge for your country. Professions that attract sociopaths are police officers and lawyers.

They all have their place in society. But would you want to be in an intimate relationship with one? Perhaps, if you respect and admire that kind of person. But if you’re a kind-hearted, empathetic person, who can feel the pain of others – not such a good idea!

Narcissists, on the other hand, are a different breed. Like the sociopath, they lack empathy, but with this difference – it’s all about them. The “all about them” thing can take a number of forms – in fact, 7 types of narcissists have been identified.

Some are simply self-absorbed, such as the exhibitionists and those who pass by the mirror and think to themselves “You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes offa you” . . . you know the type? These types are mostly harmless, even amusing.

But there are the more dangerous types of narcissists. One particular type is best described by the expression “insecure confidence”. They appear to be very confident in themselves while deep inside, they’re very insecure. You will recognize the typical signs by interacting with someone who is hyper-sensitive about everything, someone who you have to tip-toe on pins and needles with, lest you “offend them”.

There are overt narcissist and covert narcissists. The overt narcissists have an inflated sense of entitlement. They will aggressively “call you out” if you offend them. In the end, it’s all about their fragile ego and their self-image.

“Covert narcissism is far more difficult to detect because it can masquerade as a kind person in the initial stages of the relationship,” Katherine M. Hertlein, Ph.D., a relationship therapist and professor with the couple and family therapy program at UNLV’s School of Medicine, tells MadameNoire.

“They are very humble on the outside to others, but they definitely have an ego underneath. They start out as mild-mannered. You may initially feel good, but over time those thoughts shift to ‘They don’t seem to understand me fully and there’s something that doesn’t feel right’.”

Is this beginning to sound familiar? If so, read ahead for Hertlein’s advice on how to spot this toxic behavior early on and cut ties with a sociopathic narcissist for good.

First of all, what is a sociopathic narcissist?

It’s important to note that sociopathy and narcissism are two different constructs, although they have traits in common and are both personality disorders. Specifically, narcissists suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopaths suffer from an antisocial personality disorder. “In both conditions, the individual suffering from the disorder does the same thing over and over again, irrespective of the appropriateness of the behavior, the contingencies of the situation, or the negative consequences of it,” Hertlein says. “They lack the ability to self-monitor and self-correct in a given situation. In narcissism and sociopathy in particular, common behaviors include their contempt of others, their exploitation of others, and lack of empathy for others.”

What are the differences between sociopathy and narcissism?

The differences are in their traits and diagnosis, Hertlein explains. “Narcissism is characterized by their arrogance,” she says. “They believe they are entitled to special treatment, are exempt from life hassles and what would be normal consequences of their action, and demonstrate rage when they are insufficiently admired. Those with antisocial personality disorder are still exploitive of others, but are also deceitful, callous, irritable, do not take responsibility for their own actions, do not conform to the law, disregard the safety of others, and lack remorse for their actions.”

Does technology affect the behavior of a sociopathic narcissist?

Unfortunately, the short answer here is yes. Thanks to the Internet, social media, and the ubiquity of smartphones, sociopaths and narcissists can now wield more power and manipulation in a relationship than they’ve ever been able to before. “Technology makes it easier for the narcissist to control you,” Hertlein says. “They can more easily spy on you, they can lie about where they are with simple texts, and can more easily engage in hostile withholding and the silent treatment. On social media, you might pick up the overt narcissists with the rage and distortions in their tweets and posts, but the covert narcissists will be much harder to detect.”

What makes dating a sociopathic narcissist difficult?

It all comes down to their lack of empathy and their cognitive distortions. Often, their distortions about events are rooted in some level of reality, so they convince you that any issues between the two of you are just differences in perspectives and that you, in fact, are the one who sees it wrong.

This is otherwise known as gaslighting. “It is highly dangerous and manipulative,” Hertlein says. “When you call them out on the distortions and lies, you get hit with them punishing you so you learn not to question, and accept the line of baloney they are feeding you. In other words, they condition you to ignore your intuition.”

How can dating a sociopathic narcissist become potentially dangerous?

Because of all the gaslighting, you eventually lose trust in your own experience of the world. And that can lead you down a very dangerous path (we’re talking to you, Grace!). “Because you have to keep telling yourself to not question, and that your gut is wrong,” Hertlein explains. “They control you while being disinterested in you. Narcissists are highly abusive, and also often engage in a pattern of punishment when you do not honor them in the way that they think you should.”

Is it possible to break up with a sociopathic narcissist?

While getting rid of these people is indeed possible, it’s not going to be easy. That’s because narcissists engage in a cycle of abuse in order to get you back. And they’re willing to do whatever it takes to feed their own ego. “They need you in their life so they can feel superior,”

Hertlein says. “When someone initially breaks up with a narcissist, the narcissist sets forth on a path to win them back. We as the victim get confused because we think the narcissist wants us back. They don’t. They don’t care about you at all. What they lost at the breakup is someone who admires them — that is why they seek you out again.”

How can you stay broken up with a sociopathic narcissist?

To make the breakup stick, going into a strict no-contact mode is absolutely essential. Any effort you give them will be exploited in order to win you back for their sake, not for yours or the relationship. This can be especially tough for people who are trauma-bonded and have a longing to be with that person. “As the victim, we secretly want to be ‘love-bombed’ again, and have a chance to make things different,” Hertlein says. “But it will not be different.

For those who share children and cannot afford to go no-contact, the recommended technique is called gray rock. You give them no information about you or your life ever, and always stick to business or details as it pertains to the children. Also, get yourself into therapy. You will have to recover from the trauma of the abuse, see it for what it was, and recover from the betrayal, and restore your sense of confidence.”

Traits of a Female Narcissist

When it comes to the subject of narcissistic behavior patterns, men are the ones who are most commonly identified as the perpetrators while women are their victims. But although it is less common, there are also women with narcissistic traits – and they have their own unique set of identifiable behavior patterns.

So if you’re a single man who is looking for a happy and lasting relationship then it might be a good idea to take note and know who to avoid. It may save you a lot of grief and confusion.

We’d like to share the following information from our friends at HookingUpSmart. The author of this article incidentally, is a woman.

How to Identify a Female Narcissist

Physical Appearance

She dresses provocatively, flaunting sexually suggestive body parts.
She focuses attention on makeup and hair, even for the most mundane tasks or events.
She is overly confident about her looks. Research shows that narcissists are no more attractive than other people, but they believe they are much better looking than other women.
She places high value on brand names, and feels entitled to wear “the best.” She frequently purchases new clothing, and does not distinguish between wants and needs.
She is more likely to have plastic surgery, most commonly breast augmentation.
She enjoys being photographed, and often asks others to snap her picture. She enthusiastically shares the best pics of herself on Facebook or other social media sites. She will sometimes invest in a professional photographer for a portrait that she uses on Facebook or for online dating.

Personality/Character

She insists on being the center of attention and is often the most charming person in the room. Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves.
She often seeks favorable treatment and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special and that she deserves fame, fortune, success, and happiness.
She can be highly materialistic.
She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others.
She is convinced that others are envious and jealous of her and often uses this excuse for her lack of real, intimate friendships. When her friends enjoy successes of their own, she finds ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements.
She lacks empathy and even common courtesy at times unless it suits some agenda. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others.
She is very competitive.
She believes that she is intellectually superior to her peers.
She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame.
She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant, and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her.
She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this.
She can go “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.)
She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand.
She is capable of short-term regret and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.
She is generally over-sensitive to criticism or ‘straight talk’ and being incapable of acknowledging any inappropriate behavior on her own part, will try to deflect the ‘real problem’ back to the way that you’ve reacted to it.

A woman doesn’t need to have all 20 of these traits to make a lousy relationship partner. If you can check off even a few of these characteristics, you should head for the hills at 60 mph. The six traits related to physical appearance should be apparent immediately or within a short time of meeting.

Narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to detect at first. Narcissists always make a strong showing right out of the gate, and it takes time for them to reveal their negative qualities. They will only do so when feeling threatened or that they are not receiving “their due” in some way.

Based on the women of all ages I have known in my life, I think 10{1184464999c477f6754874dfb94a70a5f2a523d19c8ffcdc04d104bcf9510280} is an accurate estimate of the number of narcissists in the female population. That’s a lot of women who could make you miserable if you’re not careful.

Please don’t date one. I beg you not to fall in love with one. And never, ever marry one.

The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

The following article calls upon a euphemism from the biblical Book of Revelation, which has been popularized in modern times to signify “the painful end” of an era – in this case, an intimate relationship. It was written by Maureen Werrbach, MA, LCPC, who is a psychotherapist and owner of Urban Wellness, a group practice in Chicago, IL.

The beginning of a relationship is a lot like buying a new house. Everything seems terrific, and that initial excitement can last for weeks, months, or even years. But like any house that isn’t taken care of, eventually, your relationship may start to fall apart, leaving you wondering where it all went wrong.

Just as you can take regular care of your house in order to prevent it from falling apart, the same is true for your relationship. John Gottman, the renowned relationship expert, discovered four markers of relationship failure with 93 percent accuracy in predicting divorce. These four indicators, also known as the four horsemen, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

It is not conflict itself that indicates a spoiled relationship. Conflict is typically healthy within a relationship as it can be productive in getting your needs met by your partner. It’s how you deal with conflict that can potentially be problematic. The four horsemen are counterproductive behaviors that negatively affect a relationship, and although all relationships participate in these behaviors at times, it is the persistent engagement in these behaviors that mark a difficult relationship in need of some TLC.

Criticism is the first horseman because it is the first behavior that is typically used in couples in conflict. Criticism refers to attacking one’s character or personality, rather than the behavior itself. “You are so lazy” is an example of criticism. Instead, using I statements such as: “It frustrates me when you don’t help out around the house,” targets your partner’s problem behavior without the use of criticism.

The second horseman is defensiveness. Becoming defensive is an easy behavior to engage in when in conflict. The problem with defensiveness is that once you engage in it, you naturally tune out what your partner is trying to say to you and begin making excuses, blaming your partner, and not taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.

The third horseman is contempt. You know you are contemptuous when you show blatant disrespect for your partner by doing things like sneering, rolling your eyes, or using “humor” to down your partner. Try to be aware of your behaviors and understand what it is that you are really upset about and target that rather than using passive-aggressive ways to tell your partner how you feel. This can sometimes be hard to do, but it pays off!

The last horseman is stonewalling, and couples who regularly engage in this behavior are more likely to get divorced. Research shows that this is the most damaging behavior to engage in. Simply put, stonewalling is when you become non-responsive.

Men tend to stonewall because they become overwhelmed. Women tend to want to “talk it out” to a point of exhaustion, often prompting the partner to walk away, i.e. stonewall. When you stonewall regularly, you are pulling yourself out of the relationship, instead of attempting to work on it.

The key thing to remember is that all couples engage in criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling at times. When you or your partner cannot engage in conflict in a healthy manner and use the four horsemen consistently, it is time to seek help in establishing healthy communication tools. A good rule of thumb is to remember the 5:1 ratio — five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.

What Your Social Media Posts Reveal About Your Relationship

Ever been reading through the news feed on your favorite social media and seeing those mushy (some might have another expression for it) posts that some people put up about their partners? You know the ones – the sweetest love quotes, how great my woman is, how thankful I am to have you – often with hashtags like #wifeforlife, #familyvalues.

Well … according to counselor David Anderson, these may actually be hidden signals of men who are secretly cheating.

Anderson believes that these may be a clear deflection tactic. If everyone thinks the marriage is happy, they’ll ignore any suspicious movement or activities on the man’s part.

But it’s not only cheating men that do this. Other people who post a lot about how great their lives and relationships are, on social media, are often compensating for hidden unhappiness and unfulfilled desire.

“Various studies have shown that people lie on Facebook; I remember one a couple of years ago that showed a high percentage of Facebook users who post images to make it look like they were more adventurous than they actually are”, Anderson said.

“Other people post pictures of their lives and possessions purely to make their friends and family jealous – and others want the picnic life their friends seem to have, so they invent perfect life stories of their own, even though their actual lives are nothing like that.”

Anderson believes that psychology can help users depict what is really going in a relationship, based on social media posts – it involves looking below the surface to find the truth.

So what do your social media posts actually say about your relationship?

“Posts inadvertently tell the truth about what is really happening in the relationship,” warned counseling expert Violet Brown.

Here are some examples:

Post: A photo of you and your partner cuddling

Brown said this can be a warning to other women telling them to back off and to not attempt to be a side chick as the man is happy where he is.

Post: A person is in a relationship but posts a photo captioned ‘feeling lonely’ or ‘wish someone was here to keep me company’

Brown said this could mean that the relationship is on the rocks and the person is available to any secret admirer.

Post: Numerous photos every day of the couple kissing or cuddling.

It causes others to wonder if this relationship is genuinely healthy, or if the person is just putting on a show, Brown said.

Post: Taking videos and photos on your date.

Posting things while you are out, means that your online image is more important than the actual relationship. You are more interested in letting everyone know you are out, rather than enjoying the moment with your partner.

Post: Love quotes/memes.

This implies that you are grateful for being blessed with such a wonderful partner. It could also mean that you are sending a message to your partner or to a potential or lost partner about the state of your emotions, Anderson said.

Post: Single photos of your partner.

This implies that your world revolves around him/her.

Post: Bombarding your pages with snapshots of romantic dates and intimate moments.

This could mean that you are trying to make other people jealous. “Most times things are not as they seem, and it’s an attempt to prove, or to convince even yourself that everything is OK, even when it isn’t”.

6 Unhealthy Reasons to Stay in a Relationship

It’s never an easy thing to end a relationship that you have invested in, emotionally and physically. However you may have felt about your relationship, the fact is, that you’ve given a big part of yourself to make it work. Most relationships are not without their ups and downs and consequently, we give ourselves all sorts of reasons to stay in one that might not be making us happy. This can cloud our judgment.

While some reasons are legitimate (such as when your present issues are circumstantial, a misunderstanding, a petty disagreement, or a phase), more often than not, we make excuses for ourselves.

So here is a checklist of things that you might like to consider, which may help you to assess whether you’re sticking around for the right reasons.

No love is worth keeping if these things are keeping you there:

1. You’re afraid of being alone.

It is better to be alone and unhappy than coupled up and unhappy. Before you say it’s a double whammy, think about this. You can’t make your partner happy if you are not happy in the relationship. And if they aren’t happy, then your unhappiness will only increase. You end up in an awful cycle of “I’m unhappy, so he’s unhappy. And he’s unhappy, so I’m more unhappy.” Get it?

Even if they are “happy” (because they’re getting what they want) and you are not (because you’re not) you need to ask yourself whether you deserve the raw end of the deal. Would you rather be alone and at peace, or with someone and feeling like a part of you is dying?

2. You are concerned about what people will think.

Other people are not in your relationship. You are. They do not go through the daily grind of being in a situation that doesn’t serve them. You do. So, other people have no right to voice their opinions or their disapproval. But, of course, when do people ever go by their rights? Yes, people might judge, and talk. So be it. You can’t please everyone.

The person who you’re currently with might even be a “really nice person” and this can add to your fear of what others may think. Just because your partner is “nice”, doesn’t mean that at “relationship level” they are willing or able to provide you with the things that are important to you – things that make it worth your while to give away your freedom and be exclusive with them. If it’s possible, you may be better of just being friends with this person.

3. You’ve been together for a long time.

Yes, the longer you spend with someone, the harder it is to leave them. You have to start over and face the unknown, and that is a difficult process (and, we are understating it). There will be an adjustment process, especially if there are some nice memories involved. But the length of time together does not define the quality of a relationship. If you’re not happy, you’re not happy.

4. You believe that all relationships are difficult.

You’re wrong about this. There are many great relationships. You might not have experienced one yet, but they’re out there and you deserve to experience it too. Yes, all relationships have bad phases. But, there is a difference between a rough patch and a toxic or incompatible, or suffocating relationship. Weigh up your pros and cons.

5. You believe that there’s nothing better out there.

There’s always something better out there. And if you are unhappy, there is definitely something better out there for you. This is a common fear that many of us have. Sure, maybe you’ll end up alone. But, remember the first thing we said? You’re better off alone and unhappy than coupled and unhappy.

6. You are not financially independent.

This can be a difficult one. I’ve heard many people say that they can’t afford to leave their partner. You may need to make some hard choices in order to become financially independent – and again, the bottom line will always be, what is most important to you? Do what you need to do. Hustle, if you have to.

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Advice for Relationship Problems – Only Adults Need Apply

First Things First – Are You Relationship Material?

The best advice for relationship problems that anyone can give, is for both partners to start with an honest assessment of themselves. This may mean that you have to “own” or take responsibility for your own behavior – whether in the past or currently.

Let’s begin with some things that need to be said.

Projecting your own crap onto the other person; making the problem theirs instead of honestly facing your own contribution to the present situation, is one of the biggest relationship destroyers in existence. To be totally honest with, and about yourself, requires some courage. To be able to step outside of yourself and look objectively at your own behavior is a skill that requires practice to develop.

“Oh yes”, you say, “but you don’t understand what I’ve been through in my life. This is why I’m the way that I am”. Sorry friend – you’re making excuses for yourself! We all have crap from our past. We all have unpleasant feelings that are triggered in a given situation. But every one of us also has a choice as to how we behave when these feelings arise. If you don’t think you can behave appropriately then that’s okay – but here’s a reality check – you’re not “relationship material”.

If you choose to reconstruct your reality in the belief that there will be “someone out there” who understands you and is willing to deal with your behavior, then here’s the bad news – it won’t be long until you’re back again, searching for more advice for relationship problems.

When the going gets tough we all have a choice about how to respond. We can start acting like a child; we can be emotionally manipulative; we can spit the dummy and call it off; we can scream and shout abuse at our partner; we can accuse and name-call; we can stage a dramatic walkout and feign indignation, even alleged abuse; we can play the victim; we can deliberately misconstrue our partner’s words into something that we know they don’t mean so that we don’t have to face the issues, or at least, win the argument ….. or ….. here’s a thought ….. we can behave like an adult.

Having said all that, we now have a foundation on which to build some practical advice for relationship problems.

For Adults Only – Advice For Relationship Problems

Planning and Principles

Plan together what your values are in the relationship. Test yourself against them and check out with your partner whether you both agree on what is important and what your vision is; include beliefs and discuss your understanding of love, commitment, relationship boundaries, honesty, forgiveness, spirituality, fairness, fidelity, trust etc.

Accept that at least in some measure both parties will fail in some of these values. Decide on how failures will be addressed.

Ensure that both parties have emotionally left their family of origin – this means leaving them as children and reconnecting with the extended family as adult visitors.

Set aside time to discuss the process (how you communicate) and issues (problems).

Make physical safety (no violence) the top priority and when this is in place work towards emotional safety (care for each other) as priority number two. There is no room for any abuse in a healthy relationship. There are ways to express anger without abuse.

Do make the issue of how you talk with one another or argue the very first topic. There may be 25 issues but only one continuing destructive process (the way in which you talk with each other). Work out the communication process and you may well be able to resolve many problems together!

Defensive responses invest energy in protecting oneself. Aim for responses that protect the relationship. Be courageous to admit wrongs, listening to what the other person is saying but offering an alternative explanation only when you have understood where the other person is coming from and especially if there is misunderstanding involved.

Focus on the building of the relationship rather than the preservation of self. Two people offering self-sacrifice always build relationships and both win. Two people taking from a relationship depletes the investment and both lose.

Agree on Rules of Communication

Invest in resolving the problem rather than attacking the person.

Strive to remain calm but when angry, work hard at keeping the volume down. The process is about understanding and explanation but not intimidation.

Allow one person to speak at a time (this is respectful, loving, and allows for effective listening).

Keep points made short and take turns – summarize your points rather than do all the talking and overwhelm with information, complaints, or distractions.

Deal with one point at a time even though it is connected to many others.

Listen to the other person even if you disagree. Emotional maturity is in place when you can summarize to the other person’s satisfaction what they are saying even when you disagree.

Listen without advice (you don’t have to agree; just strive to hear and understand where the other person is coming from). Give credit that the other person can solve problems unless they request help or ideas.

Stay on track with the issue raised. When challenged do not challenge back even if “attacked” as this changes the topic of discussion and avoids the concern. You could take time out to discuss how a concern is presented, inviting gentleness, but then return to the matter raised. If you have the same concern about the other person raise that when it is “your turn” but avoid ‘What about you…’ until the first topic has been fully aired.

Focus more on the here and now and less on the past – working in the present gives plenty of opportunities to find new ways to engage and relate and love. Past issues are addressed below.

Speak for yourself – share what you feel and think (but not for the other person who can express their own opinions and tell their own story).

Avoid put-downs, judgments, name-calling, and blame – these are false projections of one’s own anger not acknowledged. Instead, describe the concern, talk about the impact upon you (your feelings) and the consequences in the situation of the relationship (outcome and impact). Invite a new response rather than demand. Courtesy is more attractive than bullying.

Advice for relationship problems needs to be given only with permission or invitation (in the context of a loving and safe relationship – which may not be present).

When the Past Gets in the Way of the Present

Heal the past – the past, if not dealt with may be full of ammunition which is endless and full of hurt. To empty that you may decide to discuss one past issue at a time and stay with that to heal it. This will require strength of character, honesty, and humility in confessing mistakes, and the same sort of strength to forgive.

If you have been in a long term relationship you may wish to decide upon a few major issues that need repair and spend a lot of time on those – and forgive the rest of the wrongs:

a. Confess wrongs – you may need time for grieving the loss (with all the stages of grief) because of shared values broken. Both partners need to enter into this pain which should not be rushed.
b. Forgive mistakes – New mistakes may be challenged but without the tempting phrases of ‘again’, ‘never’, or ‘always’. Once forgiveness is in place that issue or wrong must not be raised again because by definition it has been released even as an undeserved gift. Forgiveness begins with a decision, then strengthens as it is practiced in attitude and finally manifested in behavior.

Dealing with Risky Relationships

Never: Use physical force or threats of violence to make a point no matter who started it, how you are provoked, how frustrating it is, or how outraged you may feel. Walk away and find ways to calm down. If force and fear are your only weapons you don’t have a relationship – you have control.

Don’t retaliate (get back at the other person) or you sink to their low place and both lose.

Don’t put the relationship on the line to win an argument (e.g. ‘if you don’t agree with me, I am leaving!’). This only adds insecurity and fear and makes the situation worse in the long run. If the relationship is genuinely at risk, decide on the shortest time you guarantee to stay together while you attempt to work things out (e.g. a few days to a few months). Honor that guarantee and invest in the relationship for that period. Review and offer new and longer guarantees if possible until you can both re-commit.

Offer a degree of mutual tolerance but do not accept abuse. If necessary, put into place the following progressive steps of withdrawal checking after each step to see if there has been any change: turn away, walk away, go to another room, leave the house, leave the relationship temporarily – but one step at a time. Always seek safety first in dangerous situations. Leaving as a first step might be necessary for some situations.

Do not ‘pay off’ personal attacks by giving them undue attention (unless dangerous) but find time to describe what you experienced. Invite the other person to take a different approach which you need to honor with an affirming response even in disagreement. Work first on the way of relating (relationship) and then the solving of problems (issues).

How to use Separation as a Tool

If separation is the only initial outcome, consider a trial separation and make it short (time out for a few days and work on a plan while away from one another to work on the issues – i.e. do something different from what you were doing before). Set a date for reconciling or at least review. Keep the joint values in place during this time. Make restoration the aim unless under threat of or in an experience of Domestic Violence in which case seeking professional and other support and adhering to a Safety Plan is vital.

Relationship Maintenance Along the Way

Show appreciation for your partner and accept it humbly. The more unconditional the better. Offer it frequently.

Offer attention to the other person’s interests even if this is a sacrifice for you.

Work on growing as a person and on your responses to the other. Accept that you can’t change anyone else but we can change our response to others. Accepting the other person as they are with all their idiosyncrasies is a milestone to be reached (not to be confused with accepting abuse).

Spend some special time with one another on a regular basis even if brief.

If you feel the need for independent and interactive advice for relationship problems, then consider some maintenance counseling or do an enrichment course together. Consider a communication skills course or if appropriate a parenting course together.

Accept any efforts towards change even if awkward or seemingly artificial. Appreciate the effort and intent.

Acknowledgements: Lutheran Community Care

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Projection in Relationships – Who is Really Hurting Who?

Understanding how projection in relationships works may be an important key to achieving happiness and getting all that you want. So what is “projection”? It is a lack of willingness, even an inability, to “own” your own contribution to your disturbed feelings – so much so, that you see the cause of your pain as being with someone else rather than coming from within yourself. Consequently, in your confusion you “project” your own issues onto someone else and make them their issues, not yours.

Projection in Relationships – The Surprising Reason You Become Deeply Upset With Your Partner

If you’re hurting in your relationship, and you’re convinced your partner is to blame, this could be the most important message you ever read.

First, we have some questions for you:

Do you have a hard time moving on after you’ve had a fight with your mate?
Are you able to kiss and make up, or do you feel the need to keep your distance for a while?
If your partner tries to get close again, do you remain a bit detached and even withdraw your affection?
Is there a part of you that thinks you shouldn’t give in so easily after you’ve been upset – maybe even that you should make your partner work hard to get your full attention again?

If you answered yes to any or all of these, then you feel you just can’t let go of the hurt. You can’t get over what your partner has said or done, or what they didn’t do. You’re not feeling loved, and it hurts. And you’re certainly not ready to forgive.

We want you to consider something quite radical – something you might at first want to completely write off. In fact, you might get so angry with us, that you’ll want to delete this message.

And that’s exactly why you should keep reading.

The Real Reason Why You’re Upset

We have news for you: your partner likely has nothing to do with how hurt you feel.

When you’re this hurt and convinced your partner is the cause of your pain, you’re almost certainly projecting. And when you project, you wholeheartedly believe your problem is one thing, but it actually comes from something else.

Projection happens when we blame our partners for old hurts. We don’t do it consciously. Conflict triggers unresolved issues from our past – including childhood wounds and disappointments from previous relationships.

It FEELS as if the other person is the cause of our upset, because, after all, he or she is right there with us and so they must be the problem. What else could it be?!

But projection keeps us from understanding the true source of our pain.

When you’re convinced your partner is to blame, you’re unable to see how your past has contributed to what you feel in the present moment. You cast a blind eye to the fundamental issues that are triggering you now.

Moreover, projection prevents us from resolving those underlying issues, thus recycling the same negative patterns again and again. And unless you recognize and address the projection, you will keep repeating the same patterns in this relationship or from partner to partner – preventing you from truly moving on from fights and authentically connecting with those you love.

Here are some suggestions on how to break that cycle so that you can finally resolve long-standing relationship problems.

3 Indications That You’re Projecting in Relationships

First, let’s look at how projection shows up and how it feels in your body:

1. Righteousness:

When you’re projecting, you’re 100{1184464999c477f6754874dfb94a70a5f2a523d19c8ffcdc04d104bcf9510280} convinced you’re 100{1184464999c477f6754874dfb94a70a5f2a523d19c8ffcdc04d104bcf9510280} right about the situation at hand – and you’re certain your partner is at fault. You’ll feel angry, your brow will furrow, and you might even assume an intimidating posture over your mate.

2. Feeling Wronged:

If a minor argument with your partner leaves you feeling deeply hurt, and you experience a feeling of sadness in your chest, then you’re likely projecting something from your past onto them. Maybe it was a parent who let you down, a former partner who psychologically abused you, or it could be a situation from your school days when you felt as if another kid got away with something he did to you.

3. Feels like life or death:

Have you ever felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety or panic during an argument with your spouse? The need to resolve something right here, right now, is a signal that you’re likely bringing a past traumatic event into the present moment.

(***Note: Projection is not an excuse for abuse in a relationship. If you find yourself in a situation that compromises your well-being, we urge you to seek appropriate professional help.)

Why Projection in Relationships Keeps You Stuck And Undermines Love

Interactions between partners are rarely one-sided.

Blaming your partner keeps you from discovering your part in the dynamic, and it results in what we call an “entanglement.”

Entanglements may look like relationships on the surface: you spend a lot of time together, maybe you even live together. You’re a “couple.” But entanglements lack a central component of real relationships – harmony. And projection is a key characteristic of entanglements.

In fact, we can say with certainty that projection is the central energy drain in entangled relationships.

When two people are unconsciously playing out old wounds with each other, they create a situation fraught with blame and discord – the opposite of a harmonious relationship.

To learn how to break free from entanglements and create real, lasting love, understanding how projection in relationships works could be one good starting point. Here are some areas to consider:

The common ways partners unwittingly project past hurts onto each other – and end up fighting about the wrong thing
How to end the fighting, loneliness, and heartbreak in your relationship
The two fears most people bring into a relationship (if you’ve ever had a partner pull away from you after things were going well, you’ll want to pay close attention)
How successful couples create deep intimacy AND maintain their sense of individuality
The single biggest catalyst for transformation in life and love, along with a series of tools to help make that change permanent
The enemies of love and connection, and the secrets to creating genuine love that only grows better and better over time

Projection in relationships is a prison. When we free ourselves from it, we are able to let go of pain and open our hearts to limitless love.

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When an Empath Loves a Narcissist Here’s What Will Happen

There has never been a more toxic union than when an empath loves a narcissist. If you’re an empath and you’ve fallen in love with a narcissist then be warned – you are literally in for one “hell” of a ride!

So what is an empath? Empaths are sensitive to and can ‘feel’ the feelings of other human beings, in themselves. Empaths want to heal the world, and can’t stand to see someone in pain. Because of this, they are naturally drawn to the irreparably damaged narcissist and their tales of woe. But a narcissist doesn’t want to heal. A narcissist wants to manipulate, belittle, and most of all, continue to be a narcissist.

Even though yes, most empaths are already aware that being in a relationship with a narcissist is an unhealthy decision, they might not know exactly what they are in for- until now.

HERE ARE 18 THINGS THAT HAPPEN

WHEN AN EMPATH LOVES A NARCISSIST

1. The narcissist creates a sense of comfort for the empath by creating an illusion of true love – saying all the right words and turning on the charm. The empath incorrectly believes that their love is being reciprocated. An empath will feel a strong connection to the narcissist and may even feel that they have found the love of their life.

2. Empaths love to love. They enjoy making other people feel “whole”. Their love is deep and unconditional. The narcissist, on the other hand, has no intention of developing a stronger connection with the empath. So herein lies the foundation for the coming storm … the more love and care an empath gives, the more powerful and in control a narcissist becomes.

3. The narcissist will make the empath feel like the relationship is going well, but what is really happening is the narcissist is seeking constant validation. They ask “you love me, right?” and swiftly turn any (and every) conversation into one about themselves and their perceived needs. The empath, who loves to reassure, will quickly respond with comforting words or actions and from this, will initially receive a sense of validation and purpose.

4. The narcissist will become the center of the empath’s universe. Why? Because the empath is the one who is truly in love. They will be there for the narcissist, soothing, reassuring, and taking care of them in the belief that by throwing enough love at them, they will heal from past wounds. The narcissist will play this well, assuming the role of a victim and by so doing, manipulating the empath into giving them more love and attention – which is the only thing they really want.

What the empath may not understand is, that the narcissist’s perceived “wounds” arise from a different source than their own – namely, the results of their own bad behavior. These “wounds” cannot be healed with love because all the narcissist really wants, is attention.

5. After a while, the narcissist will begin to use “gaslighting” tactics to make the empath feel enormous self-doubt. “I never said that,” “you’re crazy,” and “you’re imagining things” or “you’re over-reacting” are common phrases that start the rapid decline of an empath’s sense of self-worth.

These tactics will emerge once the empath begins to realize that the relationship so far, has been all about meeting the narcissist’s perceived needs and that all their giving has been a one-way street. Voicing their concern will set the ball rolling and the narcissist’s mind-games will begin.

The empath, wishing to avoid conflict and confusion, will begin to feel a sense of apprehension about asking for his or her needs to be met. They will struggle to understand the narcissist’s behavior.

6. This creates a relationship of control for the narcissist. They leave the empath feeling reliant on them for everything. The empath begins to feel like no one else would want them and start blaming themselves for the deterioration in the relationship. Their self-esteem drops and they wonder whether they are “relationship material”.

The narcissist has successfully manipulated the empath by creating a twisted reality, which the empath begins to believe. The narcissist cannot be wrong and will always try to pass the blame in order to justify themselves.

7. All of these manipulation tactics and control mechanisms cause many empaths to experience severe depression and anxiety. This only furthers the empath’s belief that they “need” the narcissist in order to feel okay. They alienate themselves and the narcissist becomes their entire world.

8. Everything a narcissist says and does is a direct attack on your personal reality. They can take you from the joy and normality that you once had in your life, to a shadowy place where feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness are daily occurrences because everything you do is wrong.

9. At some stage in the relationship, the empath will reach their breaking point. The person they once were becomes someone else. Their friends and family may no longer recognize them.

10. Conflict in the relationship arises between the empath and the narcissist because the empath starts to take on the traits of their partner. Eventually, they begin to realize that their emotional needs are not being met and display actions that say “my needs matter too.”

The narcissist will see this as selfish behavior and will play the victim, using whatever manipulative tactics they feel appropriate in order to “win”. The empath will need to accept the brutal truth, that not everyone who says “I love you” really means it. The reality is, that the empath is the real victim here, not the narcissist. They have become the victim of a toxic relationship.

11. What neither member of the relationship realize, is that even after it ends (which it will), both parties continue to suffer. The narcissist will continue on to other, equally toxic relationships, and pursue various avenues in their life – but they will still be miserable.

12. And the empath will continue experiencing the abuse from a narcissist because it works like a poison in their mind and body. It enters every cell with one purpose- to destroy the reality of their target.

13. After the relationship falls apart, the empath looks to themselves as the problem. Surely it is their fault- they must have failed in some way. All of the narcissist’s toxic words come back to haunt the empath, and they think “maybe I was selfish for thinking about my own needs.”

14. However, the empath doesn’t realize something very important– there is nothing wrong with them, and they didn’t “fail” anything or anyone. In fact, there is something very right with them. They simply were manipulated, used, and lied to by someone who had no remorse about hurting another individual.

15. This begins the empaths powerful transformation. It is a painful process, but so is being with a narcissist. They begin to understand that in order to grow, they must re-evaluate their “healing” process. Everyone is worthy of love, but not everyone is deserving of trust.

16. The empath will heal. It takes a realization that they too were broken and damaged, like the narcissist, but they are willing to recognize that-whereas the narcissist simply refuses to believe they could possibly be flawed or in need of anything (or anyone).

17. The narcissist will carry on, looking for their next victim, completely unaware that their unhappiness is caused by themselves.

18. The empath will grow from this experience and recognize that parts of themselves they must protect, and balance if they are to live a wiser, more enriched life.

15 Signs You’re An Option, NOT A Priority

Have you ever had that gut feeling that you’re an option, not a priority in your romantic relationship? Have you felt like you just need someone to check with, to make sure that you’re not just overreacting or over-sensitive? Has this person suggested to you (even told you) that you’re reading too much into things or being too dramatic? Or perhaps this is just how you feel about it when you’re alone, in your quiet moments?

Below, you’ll find a list of 15 objective indications that “it’s not just you” and in fact, it might just be them.

It’s not an easy thing to come to grips with and many people tend to ignore the signs that they are not a priority by rationalizing them away. It’s true that some of these signs can be rationalized, but when a significant other is presenting with more than a few, it may be time to reassess whether the relationship is something that is giving you energy and making you happy and valued, or whether it needs reassessing.

Here are 15 Signs That You’re an Option in a Relationship, Not a Priority:

The other person never wants to make plans in advance.
You make all the concessions in the relationship – if it can be called a relationship.
It feels like you’re always waiting on them, but they never wait on you – if you ask them to wait, they bail.
They are seeing other people and make it known that you are not the only one – or even the most important one.
All of your interactions happen behind closed doors: there are never date nights or outings.
When you get fed up, they reel you back in with sweet words and everything you want to hear, but then quickly return to old behaviors.
Your calls, texts, emails, Facebook messages, SnapChats, and so on all go unanswered. In this day and age, almost everyone is constantly attached to their phone – you know they saw it and chose not to respond.
You feel taken advantage of. This is important, because intuition is often correct, and when it feels like someone doesn’t care, it is because they are not expending the effort to show you that they care.
There are always excuses regarding why you can’t be together: if someone wants a relationship with you, they’ll find a way. Excuses mean a lack of investment and often a lack of mutual interest.
They never seem to show any interest in your life or the things that you do on a daily basis. When you do talk about things, they tend not to remember.
You catch them lying to you about seemingly insignificant things. It’s rare that these things are actually insignificant– more often than not, they are quite significant.
You feel like they’re bored when they’re around you.
They act secretive and suspicious like they’re constantly hiding something.
They have no understanding about things that are important to you, and often miss big events for their own plans, sometimes canceling at the last minute.
The person makes you feel bad, depressed, or unhappy more than they make you feel happy.

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, but learning how to see when it is time to let go because of a lack of mutuality is an important life lesson to learn.

These signs– especially when more than three or four are present – are “red flags” that indicate when it might be time to let the relationship go.

Combining Addiction And Relationships

It goes without saying that addiction and relationships are not a good combination. We can all feel for people who are suffering from addictions whether they be alcohol, drug, or behavior-related. Even so, we cannot ignore how destructive these addictions can be to a relationship. Addictions have the ability to erode everything meaningful. They can destroy your life, your career, your health, and your relationship.

There was an interesting study in 2004 conducted by a substance abuse administration team that reviewed various reports about addiction and relationships with regard to relationship structures. This report covered important information about the serious effect on others such as children. A child of an addict may be forced into an unfamiliar or uncomfortable role as a direct result of the parent’s substance abuse.

Effect on Other Family Members

A member of the family may also experience humiliation and shame as they deal with a series of stressful experiences from their addicted family member. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that substance abuse is one of the more insidious problems in today’s society. Substance abuse has an insidious and gradual way of sneaking into a person’s life. Addicts can rationalize with themselves that a simple drink, a puff of marijuana, a minor hit of cocaine will be enough to get them through the day. They will find any excuse imaginable to get high.

Unfortunately, similar acts of deception and flimsy excuses will develop in most relationships with an addict. People who are addicted to drugs and alcohol perceive the world around them a lot different than when they are sober. They focus all of their energy on their desire for a greater high. An addict will become less romantic and his partner will eventually be nothing more than a means to obtain more drugs or alcohol.

The addict’s behavior will reinforce his addiction as he or she tries whatever they can to continue in their drug-induced state. It does not matter whether they are aware of it or not, because the bottom line is their addiction. Reactions and interactions with the addict’s mate will eventually become mechanical. At this point in the relationship, it is extremely important how the non-addictive partner reacts. Their reaction may determine whether the relationship ends or improves.

Other Addiction and Relationship Types

But addictions can take other forms. For example, there is an addiction to video games, television, lying, manipulation, addiction to sex, or pornography. In fact, any behavioral habit that is destructive to the person or their relationships with others, so much so that it cannot be can be easily set aside, can be rightly classified as an addiction.

Most addictions have their origin in the person’s inability to cope with daily life. There is a deep sadness, confusion, or fear that resides with them – and this causes them to seek distractions from reality. This is one reason why teenagers are susceptible to addictions. They are beginning to see the world and themselves in a whole new light and it can be both confusing and overwhelming for them.

After a while, the practice becomes a habit – and in process of time, the habit becomes an addiction. Life doesn’t feel normal without it. Unfortunate habits can be very destructive to otherwise happy relationships because satisfying the addiction is sought after at the expense of showing your partner in practical ways that you love them.

Drug Addiction and Relationships

The partner who does not have an addiction can be the catalyst causing the user to go clean. They can also be an additional hindrance to society by being complacent. The reason for this could be a sexually transmitted disease that the addict transmits to his mate. A complacent mate could then search out other more compassionate partners and transmit the disease to them. Another problem that the addict could have when it comes to sex is erectile dysfunction. This could be caused by consuming excessive amounts of certain recreational drugs such as marijuana, alcohol, and cocaine.

The addict at this point may be inclined to use prescription male enhancement drugs which would help him correct his dysfunctional sexual performance. Mixing recreational drugs along with male enhancement drugs is not a great idea and can have very negative long-term consequences. Therefore, for those with addiction and relationships, it is important to seek professional help as quickly as possible.